How Stormzy, Dave, AJ Tracey and pals could line up if rappers were footballers

Ex-Arsenal attacker Quincy Owusu-Abeyie has been revealed as balaclava-clad rapper, Blow. 

Blow burst onto Dutch airwaves in 2016 when the Ghanain was still playing football in Holland.

He admits he kept his identity hidden until January 2020 to avoid being blasted for caring more about music than the sport he was being to do. 

The now retired Quincy, 33, who also played for Portsmouth, Birmingham and Cardiff City has made the switch to rapping but what rappers could go the other way? 

I have pulled together some of the world’s finest emcees who I think could cut it in full kit and shin pads at 3pm on a Saturday afternoon.

Athleticism, aggression and physique were at the core of my recruitment…


J.COLE standing at an impressive six foot two wiry frame I cannot think of anyone better to place between the sticks. 

If his height is Cole’s most obvious quality, his passion for basketball is another.

Sure we might need to work on his diving to ground and clearances under pressure but most importantly I have every confidence in the Charlotte Hornets fan’s grip.

I cannot ignore his fashion in his mate Bas’ Tribe music video either. Do not be fooled by the dreads, Cole looks all athlete in PSG yellow. 

Finally, the Middle Child rapper has shown he is a born leader launching his own label, Dreamville Records in 2007. 

What more could you ask of a keeper? 

Weakness: Forgetting to use his feet.


SLOWTHAI at left back is a risk but well worth the reward. 

Unless you have been living under a rock for the past two years you will know the young lad from Northampton is not afraid to ruffle some feathers.

I have no doubt in my mind that opposition wingers will be desperate to switch flanks after five minutes of Tryone’s dark arts.

Late, rash challenges, high tackles and constantly barking sweet nothings into attackers’ ears will unsettle even the most calm headed of rivals. 

This might sound like a recipe for disaster but Slowthai’s energy on stage is a big enough indicator that his stamina is second to none.

I’m most worried about him going into the book for whipping his topless at the first sight of goal. 

Weakness: Lashing out at fans taunting him from the sidelines.


STORMZY is a man mountain and one of the first names on the team sheet at left centre-back.

At six foot five and built like a s***house there is simply no beating the man in the air and no one I would rather have defending set pieces. 

It is easy to forget the big man is still only 26 with his prime years still to come but experienced enough to read the game.

Stormzy knows where he needs to be and will not be afraid to tell man to shut up if is centre back partner says otherwise. 

The Croydon star is no stranger to playing live before tens of thousands of fans and will provide a level head in the big games when others might lose it. 

Being on the left of the defence Stormzy and Slowthai can bond over Boris Johnson. 

Weakness: Being too big for his boots.


50 CENT at right centre back may raise some eyebrows but his worldly experience means he is straight in da club. 

The man is bulletproof, nothing’s getting past him in the final third with such raw power at his disposal.

At 44-years-old Curtis Jackson has a lot to share with the younger lads on how to win the hard way, he is the one you can count on when the chips are down. 

Businessman, actor, producer fiddy has been there and done it which is why he wears the armband.

Weakness: Laying down the offside trap.


AITCH might be too young to remember Gary Neville at his best but he is clearly the Mancunian reincarnated.

The academy product will do well to learn off the old head to his left yet all the signs are pointing towards the 20-year-old surpassing his skipper’s achievements.

Quick, tenacious and unashamedly cocky, young Harrison has a bright career ahead of him and sponsorship deals queuing up around the corner. 

Late night partying is to be expected of fun-loving Aitch but rest assured he will not let a bottle of Grey Goose with sparklers hamper his game.

This lad is as adept at bombing forward as he is breaking down attacks, he does the simple things right and will provide much needed legs for the aging 50.

Weakness: Big dough, big girls, 'nuff pounds.


DAVE could play across the park but sticking him out wide is sure to get the best out of him. 

Along with Aitch he brings spritely youth to an otherwise experienced side and will be depended on for his energy. 

The 21-year-old from Streatham offers far more than just Duracell bunny traits however.

Dave will not hesitate in letting teammates know they have slipped up and is definitely future captain material.

Make no mistake, Dave knows what he is doing out on the wing combining industry with clever footwork and an eye for a worldy.

Right backs beware, this lad needs no invitation to cut in on his right to find top bins. As for his teammates.

Weakness: Snubbing the team bus to go straight to the location.


VIC MENSA is the rap game’s Gini Wijnaldum with his low centre of gravity and ability to dribble, pass and bully his way out of tight spaces.

Signed for his attacking flair after scouts heard he was down on his luck, Victor has since transformed his game for Klopp-style heavy metal football. 

When off duty expect to see the hooligan in the terraces in a trademark studded biker jacket in a sea of Stone Island. 

The Windy City star does not know when he is beaten and provides the team’s pulse – rarely catches the eye on the ball but it’s what he does off it that counts.  

Weakness: Not interested in bonding with teammates.


BUGZY MALONE partnering the slighter Mensa in the middle of the park is an irresistible prospect. 

The one player I would back to strike fear into the heart of Adama Traore, what he lacks in vision, Bugzy more than makes up for in kilos and brute force.

A natural role model for fellow Manchester lad Aitch, the duo are just one of several pairs who have already linked up elsewhere. 

If 29-year-old Malone can protect his injury prone right shoulder for the entire season he is sure to make headlines with his all out combative approach to the game.

Prepare to b.inspired. 

Weakness: Breaching sponsorship contract by wearing his own B Malone boots.


HOPSIN has just about scraped his way into this line up and has plenty to prove after stepping out of the limelight three seasons ago.

Since his first club Funk Volume liquidated after coming under intense scrutiny by financial fair play, doubts over his commitment have plagued Hopsin.

I’m taking a punt on the Ill Minds rapper on the provision that he wears his creepy contact lenses every game to distract left-backs from the ball at his feet.

Despite his sabbatical, Hopsin remains in brilliant shape, using skateparks as his training ground.  

Aside from abs and freaky eyes Hopsin has pace, pace, pace to run onto balls sprayed down the line by Stormzy and Aitch. 

Weakness: Failing to track his marker on the counter.


G-EAZY is the shirt seller, the poster boy, the forward who’ll make as many front pages in the papers as he will back.

The six foot three striker has just two responsibilities: to hold the ball up and nod every cross from out wide into the back of the net – at least that’s the plan. 

We could be surprised by moments of magic from the gangly target man inside the box but that’s not what’s expected of him. 

Get ready to see more young women in the stands than ever before, hoping to catch Young Gerald’s shirt as he discards it into the crowd at the full time whistle. 

Match day revenue will be at an all time high with our Bay Area number nine, providing he stays sober – I mean it. 

Weakness: Will almost definitely steal every teammate’s other half. 


AJ TRACEY or goal machine as he is otherwise known is the most naturally gifted of all signings on the pitch. 

Think Harry Kane only without the injuries, Tracey knows where the goal is at all times, converting even the most horror of flick ons from G-Eazy.

With the lack of goal threat across the starting eleven a lot of pressure falls on the 26-year-old’s shoulders but he wouldn’t have it any other way. 

A real 40 goal a season man in all competitions, it really is nothing but net for Ladbroke Grove’s finest. 

Wide men, Aitch and Dave know exactly how AJ likes his crosses whipped in come rain or shine.

Weakness: Can drop too deep too often believing he’s Thiago Silva.

DR DRE is the main man in the dugout, who else is capable of managing this team of superstars.

His decades of unrivalled consistency in hip hop commands respect. 

Dre is a visionary in the studio and will unquestionably transfer his innovative ideas to a team in need of cunning gameplay and tactics.

He could be the closest thing to Pep Guardiola the game has ever seen but remember he’s still Dre.


EMINEM is the little Sam to Dr Dre’s big Sam, you just know he’ll do the dirty work, laying out the cones and putting in the corner flags.

A strong rapport established with centre-back 50 Cent will prove invaluable when the going gets tough and unity is needed more than ever. 

Mathers is not afraid to go bezerk at anyone not pulling their weight and has the capacity to bark out approximately 793 of Dr Dre’s instructions within 40 seconds.

  • Stormzy
  • Premier League

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